Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the bake off event of the year, one that will be told for generations to come! A match to determine who will be crowned the mightiest and worthiest of not just baking, but vegan baking. A challenge so intense that it will test the limits of any baker.
The winner takes home an original water-coloured painting of fruits in trophy made specifically for this event by the talented Rebecca Freeman. And there, sitting right next to it, lays the plastic crown of glory, a crown whose worth is priceless (actually £2)!
The oven heat is on yet the rules are very simple: bake an animal free product and suck up as much as possible to the brave and gluttonous referee, Michelle the Demolisher. Renowned even in her home of California, Michelle the Demolisher can in one giant gulp demolish any food that stands before her.
Now Michelle the Demolisher is not at all an experienced baker or food taster, and makes no claim of culinary talents whatsoever, but she has a big gullet that loves to be fed with intense and bold flavours and sugar! She will make sure that this is a fair fight and that there is no nasty business from the competitors!
So many of you might be thinking, is this match just some ingenuous way for the referee to get her friends to bake sweets for her? Yes? I mean no, definitely not! This match has been boiling up for months. Nay, years! These two rivals have been at each other throats ready to bake and be crowned the Cooknst Bake-Off: Vegan Division champion.
Weighing in at an enormous amount of love for her bunnies and vintage styles is Bun(nie)s of Steel Jordane! A vegan red head with years of vegan baking experience, this challenger is ready to pummel anyone daring enough to get in her way! Like a rabbit she is territorial and not going down without a fight! Today she baked her delicious Raspberry and Lemon Loaf Cake. I don’t know about you ladies and gentlemen, but just staring at it makes my mouth water.
Coming in at the sound of heavy rock is Megan the Bake Slayer! A powerful bold competitor who takes no nonsense! She has years of martial arts and baking under her black belt so challengers beware! Although not a vegan herself, the passion for baking runs through her mighty veins and she is full on ready to high kick the competition out of here! With her today she brought the quintessential Classic Blueberry Muffins. This is going to be a very tough match, I can tell you that!
When asked why they chose their specific recipes Megan the Bake Slayer replied, “Kind of went for blueberries cause Californians (aka The Demolisher) have a weakness for blueberries (suck up points won)…That and cause I had blueberries in the freezer.” Bun(nie)s of Steel Jordane said, “I just went for lemon cause George (fiancé) likes lemon and he wanted me to make a lemon one for him.” So obviously this challenge was a their top priority.
Two fierce women, one glorious plastic crown.
DING DING. Round 1.
The contestants stare intensely at the Demolisher who takes the first bite of the match, it is Jordane’s Raspberry and Lemon Loaf Cake. The referee smiles with a mouthful of loaf cake, nods, and writes in her notepad. The two feisty competitors sit waiting.
The competitors wipe nervous beads of sweat off their foreheads and squirt water in their mouths as they prepare for the next round while the Demolisher leaves no trace that there was a Raspberry and Lemon Loaf Cake at all.
DING DING. Round 2.
The Demolisher stuffs one of Megan’s blueberry muffins in her mouth and chews. She smiles and ferociously scribbles in her notepad. Contestants anxiously await the result as the Demolisher reminisces about a time when she was a child and demolished an entire basket full of blueberry muffins. Not one contestant cares about the referee’s tale they just keep their eye on the painted prize and the glory of being called a champion.
Ladies and gentlemen, you could slice the tension up in this room!
The tasting is over and the Demolisher makes her final decision.
Bun(nie)s of Steel Jordane’s Raspberry and Lemon Loaf Cake was moist and sweet, but not too sweet. The lemon flavouring was present but not too overpowering, which to the Demolisher was a plus. The icing was just the perfect touch to balance the cake out. Definitely plan on sneaking seconds after.
Megan the Bake Slayer’s Classic Blueberry Muffin was so beautifully baked and textured, had the right amount of blueberries, and was so difficult to tell it was vegan! The best bit was that it did make the Demolisher nostalgic about her life back in California.
DING DING DING
The bake was perfection and the Bake Slayer slayed the referee with nostalgic blueberry feelings, which has rightly won her the majestic crown, title of Champion and fantastic Rebecca Freeman art!
Now the last and important question is: can she hold on to her crown and title?